Down But Not Out

I'm Sorry!

Many of you may have seen how my blog has been virtually nonexistent in the last two months.  Trust me. I didn't like it either. (I'll make them up: promise! Look for "back-dated" posts) I have done quite a few races, trainings, climbing competitions, product reviews, Spartan representing, and I even got a sponsor but I have been unfortunately too busy to do what I love: fitness and blogging.

I have conquered many races, courses, and obstacles but unfortunately the last few months has required an entirely different form of dedication and strength and has tested me like never before.

Jill of (too?) Many Trades:

Background, in case you didn't know I am a full time Biopharmaceutical production specialist at Glaxo-Smith Kline Biopharmaceuticals and I am a part time student taking a pharmacology class. I also work ad-hoc shifts at two local rock walls and love training, lifting, running, climbing, belly dancing, yoga, hiking, and just generally being outside. However this is not the first time me and this pharmacology class have met in the arena to do battle. Due to this my lifestyle had drastically changed.

Fitness Took the Back Burner:

I'll admit it. (Previously,) I was the first to criticize someone when they "didn't have enough time for fitness", but I had to severely cut back my previously rigorous Spartan and climbing training. One thing I will always be firm on is my healthy eating. When you eat like crap, you feel like crap, so I try and keep that as a constant in my life. If I was going to cut back my training, I was at least going to eat healthy.

I ran the Fenway Sprint but I was weak: I struggled through burpees, I only did the female weights (not normal for me), and I felt a bit sore after a SPRINT! I competed in a bouldering competition and I felt pathetic: my strength was diminished, my technique unpolished, and my hands ill-prepared. My muscles were still there and I still did minor workouts and exercises but I wasn't pushing myself and creating that sore, exerted feeling that I crave. I became sedentary and sore from sitting at my desks all day. I felt like my muscles were slowly fading and slowly a small layer of fat was covering up my definition. I was upset, broken, and drained, but there I sat at my desk, pushing.

Finals = OVER:

Go ahead and judge me. But even after 4 years of engineering school and passing the Fundamentals in Engineering Licensing Exam, I have never felt so overwhelmed. I spent nearly every free moment of my time studying, note taking, and just generally immersing myself in pharmacology. I even listened to lecture EVERY day on my hour long commute to work! It is an entirely exam based course, I get awful test anxiety, and "passing" for my program is at least a "B". Needless to say the cards were stacked against me.

I am an engineer: more of a problem solver and critical thinker by nature, however, memorization, facts, and endless drug names are not something I seem to be capable of doing. After all of this, the sad fact of the matter is I still don't know if I passed. If I did it was by the skin of my teeth and unfortunately if I failed AGAIN I can not justify wasting more time, energy, and money at Drexel and I will have to bid it adieu.

I Felt WORTHLESS:

I finished my exam and just felt like the most useless human being. Had I wasted all this time and money for nothing? Would I be able to get through this? Will I be able to pick myself back up and keep going or will I have to just have to abandon ship? Either way I knew I had to be at one place: at my gym, on the rock wall. I knew I would be weak and I mentally set myself up for self degradation and failure.

Upon arrival at the wall, I was greeted by almost everyone I am friends with at Drexel. They all gave my huge smiles and hugs, and asked me how I was, and where I had been for so long! They all were so happy to see me and I was honestly shocked to see such an overwhelming response. I frankly didn't think anyone cared where I was and it was very refreshing to see how much of an impact I have on the community without even realizing it. I felt popular and I felt loved, two things I haven't felt from Philadelphia since moving here.

And then I started climbing... it was a bit harsh at first. I felt that my hands had gone soft, my grip weak, and my muscles already began to ache. I bouldered around on some easy V0s, and V1s and began to get a little frustrated when I couldn't complete a V2, something I usually do with little trouble. Then my friend came and asked how I was doing and began challenging me. I completed some top rope routes with (surprising) ease. 5.6s, 5.7s were not an issue.

A Spark...

Then he put me on a 5.8+. A route I hadn't completed even when much stronger a month or so before. I went in very negatively and struggled with my confidence to even begin. My muscles ached, my spirit broken, but then something sparked me up on that wall. I felt the NEED to finish that route. I began grunting, screaming, and yelling as I stretched, contorted, pulled, strained, and dragged my body up the wall. When I finally made it to the top I almost cried. I felt alive, I felt strong, and I felt amazing. It was then that I realized that you are only as weak as you tell yourself you are.

Get Back UP!

NO matter how you feel now, or may feel, no matter what that stupid little negative voice may be saying to you. You are still and will always be you. You are awesome. It doesn't matter if you were knocked down for a day, a month, or a decade, just get back up! You are better, stronger, smarter, and more beautiful than you could ever think and I believe in you.